My past is what made me, but it doesn’t define me.
Again, it’s been awhile since I have sat down and spilled my thoughts (and tea) to you. I find that when I try to “invent” something I think you will want to read about, I stare at a blank screen for hours. However, when I really want to get something off my chest, the words flow. I tend to get in my feelings…and in my head and lately, my mind is working overtime.
As most of you know, I have made a shit ton of life altering changes this past year. I keep reflecting back on 2019 and have come to the conclusion it was a year of growth for me as well as a year of change. In short, I went ahead and changed every aspect of my life that I wasn’t happy with. I gave no regard to what anyone else thought I should do regardless of the consequences. I started living my life for me and me alone. If someone didn’t like what I did, said or changed, I didn’t care. Truly didn’t care from my gut. I have to say…there is no greater freedom than to live life on your own terms. No one lives your day to day but you. Only you can manifest and create your destiny. Live life for yourself. On your terms. Say that shit…out loud, every damn day. Until you not only believe it…you live it.
Not only did this revelation create freedom, it also created chaos. Whenever you level up, the people that are weighing you down will try to prevent you from succession. Every decision we make has a price tag on it. Every open door requires closure to stay closed. We need to let go to progress. I have made mistakes, but I have learned from the mistakes. I have done things I am not proud of, but those things don’t define me. The things I have done in my past that I am embarrassed about do not have bearing on my life today. The person I am today, is not the person I used to be. I was insecure. I made mistakes. I lived my life pleasing everyone around me even if it meant making bad decisions for myself. I acted before I thought. I never stood up for myself. This list goes on but you get the idea. My whole life, I lived trying to do what other people wanted me to do, think, say or be.
I lived trying to please past boyfriends regardless if the things I was doing were bad for me. It was like I was seeking approval from everyone but myself. I lived trying to please past employers. Never did I think the decisions I was making were harming me. The choices I made were great for my boss but didn’t benefit me in any way. I lived trying to prove to my mother I was, what I thought she wanted me to be. When I couldn’t be that person I would just say fuck it and do some reckless shit because I thought I had failed. I can spend all of today adding to this list, but you get the idea.
Make no mistake. I may have been a people pleaser that put everyone else first, but……one thing I wasn’t was stupid. I lacked confidence in myself and my abilities but always knew what I was doing. I knew I was doing this shit to please other people. I was successful in business and did some great shit but, I think I still was caring way to much what other people thought of me. I knew what I was allowing. One day I decided it was time to live my life for me. It was scary to make some of the decisions I made. It meant loosing friends. It meant tough times financially and mentally. It meant taking a hard look at myself and then it came down to having the courage and drive to do something about it. I thought my last address, would be my last address. I thought my last relationship would be my last relationship. I thought my last fight would be my last fight. It took me until almost 40years of age to say fuck this shit and start making some changes in my life.
I started with my health. I took shit into my own hands and started eating better and working out. Then I grew some balls and left an unhappy marriage. I made some tough decisions in my career that changed friendships, and turned allies into enemies. I was alone, broke, scared and at times felt defeated. I lived in a bedroom on a twin bed in my 89yr old grandmothers house. (whom has dementia and thinks I steal from her) I left my home. I left my dogs. I moved into my mothers. Back in the same bedroom I left at 19yrs of age. I lost friends I thought would be in my life forever. I slept on my best friends couch for weeks. I even spent a night in my salon. I paid bills late because I was broke. People I thought would be there for me weren’t. Things that were important to me seemed trivial. Materialistic possessions that were “gifts” to self or from loved ones were suddenly just possessions. I hired and fired employees. I would change something and have a small win and then a devastating blow. The highs and lows in my life were exhausting. But, in my heart (and my gut) I knew I would prevail eventually. I felt at peace in this chaos which is how I knew I was making the right moves. Never did I regret what I was doing. The struggle was real but I knew it was for the greater good. It was how I knew I was leveling up, growing as a person and I felt empowered.
Adapt and prevail is my motto and I live it. Every day. I don’t feel sorry for myself. Things are better now than they were even 6 months ago. I feel at peace with myself. I forgave myself for being a people pleaser. I forgave myself for putting myself last. I forgave myself for not living a life I wanted and living how other people thought I should live. A friend told me recently that everything we speak, we speak into existence and to be careful what we manifest. She was right. I feel strong. I feel empowered. Most importantly, I feel happy. I like the person I have become and have let go of the bullshit.
In closing… don’t judge me for my faults, my past or my decisions. My past made me but doesn’t define me. Never hold a persons past against them, the past is not the present. Never be the narrator of someones life other than your own, you don’t know why people do and say what they do. Never judge someone for their faults, unless you are prepared to be judged on your faults. We all live different lives, we all do things for different reasons. I am just trying to live my best life and be the best person I can be. For myself.