No, this isn’t a ghost writer……it’s me. Yes. I have been M.I.A. for a long time. Yes. I have been going through some shit (if you have seen my social media you can surmise what’s happening) and yes….I should have taken the time out and sat on my ass and written this blog. But I didn’t. Before you read this…know it’s not about fashion, vacations, amazing bags, shoes, food or my ongoing love affair with Europe. This post is going to be different than my usual posts…….This one is from my heart.
You all know I can be an open book and tell you all most of what is going on in my life. For the first time I have been closed off. I have been in my own head and I need to cut the shit frankly. I have often thought I should continue to tell you all my crap in hopes that it will help any of you going through the same or similar stuff. It’s why I created this blog to begin with. But, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to talk about my shit. I wanted to get through some stuff in my own way and do it in a more private fashion. Because of that, I think some of you have felt I have been hiding things, or mad at you or just closed off. It’s none of that. I just needed to process things in my own way for awhile. I didn’t want a million opinions about how or what I should/need to do. I wanted my decisions to come from a place of my own without any outside influence and I just didn’t want to spend my days talking about my life changes. No offense to you readers. Just trying to adult over here (Insert eye roll)
All that being said….YES I am in the process of divorcing. YES….I moved out of my house and YES I have a boyfriend.
I made the decision to leave my husband long before I left my husband. I started on a different journey in my life and he didn’t want to come on the same path. I have changed as a person and in my mindset over the last few years. There were things he did. There were things I did that ultimately led us to where we are currently. He is a good man. He has many great qualities and attributes but was he happy with me? Was I happy with him? The answers are no. I knew things wouldn’t change between us so I did what I needed to do to get happy. In the end I am happy with the decisions I have made. Divorce is a bitch for sure and is a lot like a bad amusement park ride you can’t get off. There are pits and peaks. Looking back, I know I made the right decision for us both. He may hate me for it but someday he also may thank me for it.
I have not felt at all like I made the wrong decision. I am always on a quest to better myself, make myself happier in my life and to try and do the right thing. In my life I have not always made the right choices. I have been my own worst enemy and I have gotten in my own way. I have had problems talking about things that bother me. I have had issues with confidence. I have had problems standing up for myself. No more. I am not that girl anymore. I am a woman who took here life by the balls and changed as a person. I created my own destiny instead of letting other people or outside influence create my destiny for me. Because of this I have lost friends. I have had to cut people out of my life. I have been forced to get comfortable with things that made me super uncomfortable. But I did it anyway. I changed. I am still changing! Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have of changing others. Hence, why I did what I did.
People may call this new me a know it all. I have been called stubborn. I have been told I have a big mouth or am to head strong in my own ways and don’t listen to others. I have been told I brag. I have been told I think I am the best. Guess what? I know who I am. I know my good points and I know my bad. Most importantly…I know that scared, insecure girl that was walked on in all aspects of her life. I know she didn’t have confidence and I know that she felt like quitting a million times over. She has felt second. She was told she was fat. She was told she wasn’t pretty. She was cheated on, lied to and beaten down. I know what it’s like to find your boyfriend naked with another woman 15 minutes after telling you he loved you. I know what it’s like to be told you are beautiful by someone you love only to find out that they are telling other women that they are beautiful. Even if they are just friends. I have felt like I was put second by people who swore to put me first. I made a promise to myself that I didn’t want to feel the stuff anymore. So I did something about it. Every once in awhile that girl tries to visit this new version of me and dust up shitty feelings but I am in a work in progress and eventually the new me kicks those feelings to the curb.
So readers……when I seem like I am closed off, or maybe I seem to stubborn or opinionated….Or when I get quite and don’t share my thoughts or feelings….don’t take it personal. I have a wall built for a reason. It’s not you. It’s me. I have issues. (Obviously) We all have issues. I am trying to deal with mine. I am trying to heal.
In closing I will try and write more. I promise to try. I promise to try and not let old situations effect my life now. I promise to try and not repeat patterns that are bad. I promise to try and tear down the fortress I have built brick by brick. I promise to try and not be jealous and last…I promise to try to not let that girl I was once was dictate the way my life and relationships are today. All a person can do is try.